tears of peace

Every semester in my good old college days there was a time when the load was too much to emotionally bear. As an undergrad the endless midterms, hours of studying, and self imposed pressure to kick academic ass eventually drove me to tears. After drying my eyes I was always thankful for the opportunity to release all that I had pent up inside me.

Right now my eyes may be red and puffy, but I have a much lighter heart. I confess that I have put on a braver face for the sake of my parents' sanity. I don't want them to worry any more than they naturally do. As my dad said, "You can't tell us not to worry, that's our job. We're your parents."

Let me tell you what it's like (for me, at least) to move to the big bad city. There are times when being in this city feels empowering: I can explore nyc on my own terms, I feel more independent than ever, and I am learning more about myself as an adult (it really feels weird to call myself an adult...); it's all very exciting. However, I quickly found out how easily I can feel alone in a city of over eight million people.

If you really know me, you know how necessary it is for me to talk out my feelings, frustrations, and accomplishments. There was a reason I was voted most talkative roommate in the house (a title which I completely accept...now). So, y'all can imagine how hard it is to come home after long and challenging days to women I barely know. I don't have the luxury of sitting on the couch and relaying the highlights of my day in exquisite detail to someone who truly understands me and has patience for my stories. I am missing the supportive environment that keeps me sane. So, I turn to my journal (the pen and paper version) and just let my thoughts flow out. In a way ny has made me more introspective, which has its pluses and minuses.

Of course I utilize my cell to talk to those nearest and dearest to me. But, not all "phone relationships" are created equal.

Today I shared my innermost thoughts with someone who has been detached from my experiences. The flood gates opened and I released all the emotions I didn't have the chance to voice: loneliness, frustration, and homesickness. A good cry was exactly what I needed.